#but we were homeschooled so we're even weirder

[themurderofcrowscollective]

Yoooo

[princess-glassred]

I was listening to Mean Girls the musical last night and I got the idea for a whole semi-cannon compliant Mean Girls IT AU so here's like every single idea had for the au last night

-Alright so obviously the Bowers gang are the titular plastics, but I have decided Richie is our Cady Heron cause I think he is the loser who could have most feasibly ended up in the bowers gang had things gone bad enough for him.

-He's lived in Los Angeles his entire life and was homeschooled growing up too, so going to a shitty small town high school obviously is something he's unfamiliar with. Much like Cady his background has informed his view on social cliques and talking to people, although unlike Cady's who's back ground makes her think of things in an athropological way, Richie's childhood of playing video games, watching movies, and growing up around showbiz types makes him see everything through the lens of the media he consumes. To him, the Bowers gang are not animals, but the big bosses at the end of a video game or every stock villain character he's ever seen in a bad family movie.

-Similarly, Eddie is our Janis (but we're going for semi cannon compliant here, so he is sadly not goth 😔)

-Eddie hates Henry a lot for essentially ruining his life when they were in middle school, they were never friends but they used to ignore each other. Until Henry noticed how close Eddie was with Bill and thought it was important for everyone to know that he was a total fag before they went on a class field trip to a waterpark. There were going to be BOYS in their BATHING SUITS. Everyone had the right to know if Eddie was going to creep on them. His mom ended up forcing him to stay home anyways (which only made the rumor worse), and after Eddie started getting bullied for it Sonia pulled him out of school until high school. When he came back he had his stupid inhaler and all his allergies and he was even weirder than before so obviously he was a total freak to everyone now. Eddie has had a bone to pick with Henry ever since.

-Every other member of the losers club kind of alternates the damian role and have various damien esque traits, Bill gives Eddie rides, Stan's pretty sassy, Bev is concerned with the event planning committee, Ben is made fun of by Henry's gang a lot, and Mike offers like the only sensible advise anyone gets in this entire  au.

-Richie is quickly scouted out by the Bowers gang just like Regina scouts Cady, but unlike Cady who is scouted for her beauty, the bowers gang sees Richie's potential as a bully. They're not too concerned with image (i mean look at how they dress) but they see him calling people weird nicknames, intentionally pissing people off, getting under Eddie Kaspbrak's skin and they want him in. They even take a liking to his shitty impressions, in the same way they laugh at Belch's weird habit of belching on people. They just think he seems funny so they wanna invite him to have lunch with them every day for the rest of the week.

-The plastic equivalents are Henry as Regina, Belch as Karen, and Vic as Gretchen. Patricks not really part of the clique but he is here, we will get to him in a bit.

-Belch: So if you're from hollywood, why are you ugly? Vic: omg, Belch you can't just ask people why they're ugly Belch: Well shouldn't he have had like a plastic surgeon out the womb or something???

-The "on wednesdays we wear pink" line stays the same due to Henry's pink leather jacke he wears in the book. Vic's got pink camo pants and Belch has a pink def leopard shirt.

-Richie is very resistant to sitting with the Bowers gang, he can tell they're bad news and awful people but Eddie eggs him on about it. He says he's just a little curious to know what they do all the time, but secretly he's hoping for some kind of big thing to happen that blows the group apart.

-Bev gets judged for hanging out in the boys bathroom like how Damian gets judged for hanging out in the girls bathroom

-Richie: Does anyone have anything in pink I can borrow? Bev: eugh, no. Eddie: I do.

-Richie gets a big gay crush on Connor Bowers, although he doesn't realize he's Henry's cousin until Vic asks if there's anyone at school he likes. Richie very calmly admits he likes a guy since he grew up in a big city full of gays but Vic hushes him about it since they're "friends" and doesn't want him to embarass himself. The fact the guy is Henry's cousin only makes Vic more insistant he keep it quiet, not just because it's taboo to be gay in places like Derry, but because "family members are off limits to friends".

-Connor doesn't seem interested in Richie at all, unless it's platonic Connor isn't interested. Part of it is his own choice, but another part of it is that he genuinely respects and values Henry's opinion. Sure, Henry isn't a saint or anything, but he's his big cousin and if he doesn't want him dating anyone for his own good than he'll listen.

-Still though, Richie will do just about anything for Connor's attention. Despite being a straight A student and generally very good at video games, he flubs both of these things on purpose in hopes Connor will try to teach him. Connor's hardly good at math, and he's definitely worse at street fighter than Richie, but it's worth it to act like he isn't. What's a few bad grades if it means he gets to spend a few minutes staring into Connors eyes or feel his hand wrap against the joystick at the same time as his?

-At Henry's house his dad offers them alcoholic drinks despite still being minors, and his justification is he'd rather kids drink in his house than at other peoples. Henry is kind of embarrassed by this and just tells his dad to go do something "parenty" and leave them alone for a minute.

-The burn book in this is a leather book that's much more understated looking thsn the actual mean girls burn book. Inside of it are most of the kids at school and some of the losers. Eddie is in there with the words "Sissy queer" scribbled all over the page. Henry notes that they haven't thought of anything good for Bill yet and Richie blurts out a quip Eddie made about Bill sounding like Elmer Fudd when he stutters. Richie instantly feels ashamed about repeating it and wonders if that was just one of those things Eddie was allowed to say but no one else, but it's too late and Henry wants him to write it down anyways.

-For halloween all the bowers gang members go as slasher villains and then Richie just goes as a ventriloquest dummy as a joke. All of the BG are confused as to why he's dressed so ridiculous and poor clueless Richie is just like "???? It's halloween???"

-At the party, Henry tells Connor that Richie has a huge crush on him and while Connor thinks it's "kind of cute" Henry immediately tells him off and tells him to shut it down NOW. This sends Richie into a jealous RAGE that gets him ready to commit to the Henry Bowers revenge scheme the rest of the losers are forming.

-Richie's mom has these kalteen bars that she's been using to gain back some weight after losing so much it's unhealthy, so Richie and the rest of the losers use this to mess with Henry. He tells him that he's "sooo scrawny, and weak, all i'm eating are these foreign protein bars that build muscle" and Henry demands he brings him a whole box.

-Also as part of their revenge they dye his hair white, just like book/90's Henry. Vic tries to make him feel better about the weight gain and the white hair by telling him it doesn't look all that bad, but henry just yells "Are you fucking kidding me Vic?! I look like i'm 65!".

-They also find out from making Vic completely crack and spill all of Henry's secrets that Henry cheats on his girlfriend Greta all the time with his friend Patrick Hockstetter. They hook up in the mascot costume in the gym storage closet on top of the sawdust bags, it's really weird. This is an especially rich development considering what he said about Eddie all those years ago proved to just be projection, same for his insistence connor stay single.

-Richie and the losers proceed to use this to their advantage in the most fucked up way possible, by essentially outing Henry to his cousin so Connor will feel betrayed and less likely to listen to him. After all, if Connor feels disillusioned with Henry once he finds out he's not only a big ol cheater but also just projecting, he might consider rebelling and going after Richie.

-Richie is definitely turning into Henry's mini me the longer time goes on, at first it was just talking about Henry all the time, even when Eddie wanted him to shut the fuck up, but things just continued to get worse and worse. Soon he started making fun of Henry behind his back for being fat, being an idiot, being poor, ect. Obviously Henry's said worse things, but Richie says all this mean shit about him while still pretending to he his friend, and he doesn't seem to care if making fun of Henry's weight or financial status hurts Ben or Bev in anyway.

-He can also feel himself becoming more image obsessed, the Bowers gang aren't too concerned with clothes or looks (aside from their lunchtable rules and just general beauty standard stuff) but Richie feels like he has to get more attractive just to make Henry feel worse about his hair and weight. He has to lose his glasses, and comb his hair, and wear cool punk clothes. Who cares if he looks totally unlike himself, Henry's insecure and everybody LOVES Richie, that's all that really matters.

The other losers seem to recognize his ever growing vanity, but Richie makes a lot for excuses for it. He pretends like it's just part of the bit but that completely ignores the fact he is actually kind of liking being hot and the center of attention.

-The sweatpants scene is really sad. Henry is stuffing his face, partly because he's hungry from a diet of nothing but candy bars but also because he's emotionally eating to cope with being outed and all his other problems. Vic and Belch coldly inform him that he's wearing sweatpants on a monday and he needs to go sit somewhere else. Henry all but begs for his friends to let it slide, but when Belch and Vic ask what the big deal is Henry has to shamefully admit he's too fat for any of his jeans anymore. They still don't give a shit though, and what's worse is Richie sits there and says nothing while Henry's life falls apart.

-Right after this Richie becomes aware od his state as the new leader of the Bowers gang when Vic and Belch start asking him advise on who they should pick on next

-The party scene is a total nightmare as to be expected. Maggie and Wentworth are going to be PISSED when they find out their son threw a rager. Part of this is Vic's fault for inviting everyone they knew though.

-Richie gets blasted drunk, vomits all over Connors shoes, chases him outside, then falls to the ground, when he gets back up Eddie and Bill are there and Eddie is furious.

-Bill is in the background riding Silver around in circles pretty aimlessly, every once in a while he'll tell Eddie that he needs to be home in like two minutes and if he doesn't give Eddie a ride home Sonia will probably murder him.

-Eds and Rich have a really disasterous fight.

-"oh my god Eddie, you know i couldn't invite you. I had to still pretend like I was part of the gang." "Buddy it's not pretend! You are part of the gang! You think you're so cool and powerful when really you're just an idiot who talks too much!" "You're the one who made me like this so you could use me for your middle school revenge fantasy!" "Oh my god- you know at least me and Henry Bowers KNOW we're mean. You try to act so fucking innocent like "Oohhh i'm just a widdle nerd, look at my buck teeth and silly voices. Watch me use my sense of humor to never take accountability for the stupid shit I say!"" "You know what Eddie? I'm not your fucking boyfriend, it's not my fault you're in love with me!".

-That was enough to make Bill stop moving his bike right in the middle of the street and just stare at Richie like :0

-Eddie is utterly incesned by this. He is enraged. The betrayal. The audacity. The drama.

-"God, that is just the thing with all of you Bowers goons, you think everyone is in love with you when actually everyone hates you. Like Connor Bowers for example, you drove a wedge between him and his cousin and guess what? HE STILL DOESN'T WANT YOU RICHIE. So why are you still messing with Henry, Richie? I'll tell you why, because you're an asshole! You're a fucking bully!"

-This is a rather pivotal moment for Richie, as it's clear Eddie (and all the other losers mind you) are deeply hurt by how far he's taken this, and it makes him seriously reconsider it all.

-Greta finally informs Henry that those Kalteen bars make you gain weight, but she does it in probably the worst way possible

-"Why are you eating a kalteen bar?" "Because i'm hungry Greta, what the fuck do you think?" "Man I hate those things, my mom's making me eat those to go up a cupsize." "... what?" "My dad sells them at the pharmacy, they're usually for underweight people who wanna gain a lot of weight quickly. My mom thinks it'll make me curvier." "..." "Are you okay, Henry?" "..."

-cue girly over the top scream

-Henry goes home and proceeds to write himself into the burn book with the words "Faggy cow" scribbled around a cut out picture of him with Richie.

-He makes copies of the pages and spreads them all around. Then heads right to the principles office and starts fake sobbing about being called the f slur.

-Ofc everyone goes nuts, Eddie's mad he's being called gay again, Bill's mad the burn book makes fun of his stutter, and everyone is 100% certain this is Richie, Belch, and Vic's fault.

-the whole assembly goes about the same as a movie, Henry says they don't have a clique problem, Vic says he's sorry everyone's so jealous of him for being smarter than everyone else, Henry says something homophobic about Eddie so he admits to all the horrible things he and Richie did to him. And you know... Henry gets hit by a bus. As per usual.

-The whole third act of the movie basically the same with just a few things changed, Richie and Eddie BOTH apologize for what they've said, Connor and Richie decide there's too much toxcicity there for them to date but they decide to be friends anyways, and Henry gets some therapy. Hooraaaaaay.

I now must leave you all with this image which I think is just perfect for this au given the emphasis on lunch tables: